A 10-mile drive in LA can easily take an hour, so what excuse can you give for being late for work when everyone has to fight traffic? Here's a few choice options. The paparazzi confused me for Mario Lopez. Make sure you pick a star that: A) you look remotely like and B) is famous enough to be hounded but not so famous that the paparazzi would've tailed you all the way to work. It's the Scientology time of prayer. Employers won't touch this one with a 10-foot pole. They won't know enough about Scientology practices to argue, and they won't want to infringe on anyone's religion -- especially one that has non-believers fed to giant sand worms. I had to smuggle a nanny across the border. This one is both relatable and socially relevant. Your boss will want accept the excuse to show his commitment to diversity -- short of actually hiring a Mexican himself.

The reality show I auditioned for made me eat sheep zits dipped in bile, which of course gave me projectile diarrhea. You can play around with the exact food you had to eat for the audition, but it should always come back to projectile diarrhea. The porn shoot at my house needed a third dick. Back in the day, this excuse would be the exclusive territory of the rich and pervy in the Hollywood Hills, but nowadays all you need to make a porn movie is a video camera, Internet access and a teen with low self-worth. The dead hooker in my trunk was leaking. We’ve all been there before, haven’t we? Chances are you won’t even have to explain any further, except maybe to specify which bodily fluid was leaking (my choice: lymph).

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Missed Connections – Sad Slasher #1

A murderous slasher has been killing people at his creepy cabin for years - but now that a neighbor is warning people away, his supply of victims has dried up!