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ABSINTHE: ALCOHOL FOR ASSHOLES

I recently tried Absinthe for the first time. My friend just came back from Europe and snuck a bottle through customs. With this rare 100 proof liquor in his possession, he decided to throw a party and only serve Absinthe. It’s like we’re at the Moulin Rouge! Or hanging out at Marilyn Manson’s house! There's a good reason "real" Absinthe is not allowed in this country. Not because it has wormwood in it and should be sold with 3 X’s on the side of the bottle. America doesn’t want it because it tastes like shit. Want to know what it tastes like without trying it yourself? Take the black licorice-flavoring of Jagermeister, an alcohol people are tricked into buying because the unique-looking green bottle implies a high-quality taste, add the consistency of dirty bathwater, and multiply it times a billion. It’s so horrid, you have to dilute it with water and mix it with melted sugar just to be able to swallow it down without spitting it back out. What I wanted out of my Absinthe tasting was fucked up hallucinations. I figured if I slug back one shot, I’d be seeing pretty pink elephants flying all over my friend’s studio apartment for a couple hours. Get into all sorts of awesome, old timey hijinks and wake up the next morning wearing a feather boa and a monocle.

But you have to drink a whole lot more than one shot of Absinthe to go past just drunk to hallucinatory. After only withstanding a few sips and having to chase each one with Coca-Cola, I gave up. I bet any liquid under my kitchen sink would also cause me to hallucinate if I drank enough of it, that doesn't mean I'm gonna pour it in a martini glass and say bottom's up. The kind of people – my friend included – who sneak Absinthe in their suitcase from overseas put way too much effort to drink this disgusting concoction. Marilyn Manson has his own brand of Absinthe, if that gives you any idea the type of person who finds drinking rubbing alcohol refreshing. Next time my friend throws a party, I hope he just goes to the liquor store across the street and picks up some Apple Puckers. It’s tasty, and there’s no chance of being arrested for smuggling it into the country. [If you are an asshole, there's an absinthe bar in the lobby of the Maison Hotel in Beverly Hills, where you can spend $30 for mouthwash that gives you a nice buzz.]

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