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A WHITE COLLAR MASK

For the first time in my life, I am being forced to socially interact with old people (Yuck, I know). It doesn't help that I’m the only person under 30 in my whole company. And it became even more difficult when I started trying to balance my vanilla, white-collar life during the day and my aspirations of being a coked-up Hollywood writer at night. Subjects I talk about to fit in: Mondays = Bad, Fridays = Good – There is no easier way to bond with your co-workers than to rely on the fact that everyone hates their job. If anything goes wrong in the office, immediately reference the day. “Mondays…am I right?” or “Hey, at least it’s Friday!” are adequate phrases that will be repeated uncountable times throughout your career, yet will somehow never get old. The Shared Refrigerator – Someone is always stealing a co-workers food or spilling some wretched leftovers in the shared fridge. So don’t be a stranger to complaining about your Lunchables being stolen at every lunch break. Consequently, I’m usually the one stealing said food because I’m too cheap to go out and too lazy to make my own meals.

The Lamest Possible Movie in Theaters – And you always wondered who actually paid to see movies like Fred Claus or anything with Hugh Grant in it. Well now you know: people without souls. Subjects that will Alienate You: Music – These people think bands like Foreigner and The Eagles are Avant-garde so making references to Vampire Weekend will only result in severe bewilderment. At best you’ll receive a line like “Oh, I’ve heard of them before. I grounded my daughter last week for listening to that jive, colored music.” Sexuality – Don’t even reference anything even remotely phallic shaped or you will get fired for sexual harassment. So as far as you are concerned there is no such thing as Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, space shuttles, and definitely not rock-hard, blood-engorged, visibly throbbing penises.

Politics – Since everyone is old, out of touch, and grossly misinformed by the mainstream media, they still talk about the glory days of Ronald Reagan. If you see your boss sporting McCain paraphernalia, start planning for a near-future promotion because your boss may die from being so old and out of touch.

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