The combination of being unemployed and living at my parent’s house compels me to watch certain television programs that if I had any obligations, I probably would never watch. No, I am not talking about Rock of Love Bus because you best believe I cleared my schedule for that shit. I am referring to the special about Manuel Uribe, whom I learned was the heaviest man in the world weighing in at over 1000 pounds. I was moved and saddened by the informative TLC documentary, but most of all shocked that this guy actually got a girlfriend without leaving his bed in five years. I expressed my disbelief over the matter to a friend over lunch, waiting eagerly for her dramatic reaction. There was no such reaction. She simply looked at me through forkfuls of lettuce and said, “No, that guy doesn’t have a girlfriend. He’s married.” I nearly fell out of my chair. I can’t get a date in five-inch come fuck me heels and a man who has other people wash his ass crack is married? I’m out there giving my best BJ’s, and this guy can’t even find his own dick. I find myself torn between feeling completely frustrated and discouraged with my own dating situation, and utterly inspired. Living in Los Angeles, I sometimes forget that there are other people out there to whom appearance is not everything, but Mr. Uribe must have one hell of a fucking personality.

He’s got to be nice, witty, charming, understanding, highly knowledgeable and chivalrous with just a touch of asshole (to keep things interesting), all rolled into one obese package. These are just the bare minimum of qualities he has to possess in order to slightly compensate for the fact that he cannot do the dirty, or sexually please his wife in any way. He cannot surprise her with breakfast in bed, or take her out for their anniversary, or even go down to the corner store to pick up milk. The dude cannot leave his bed. So yes, it’s a touching story, but most of all it just makes me wonder, what the fuck is wrong with the rest of us?

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MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.


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