A Letter To People Who Say “I’m Broke”

Dear most people I know who say “I’m broke” to me, Allow me to briefly enlighten you on the term, “broke.” In the context in which you are intending to use it, “broke” refers to a state of being completely out of money. It is generally said by people who, as you can probably guess, are poor. Rich people do not say that they are broke, because doing so would be incorrect. So, rich people I know who say they are “too broke to go for dinner” when they really mean their Dad is already going to shit because of yesterday’s splurge at Urban Outfitters, kindly shut the fuck up. See, I know where you’re coming from. See, I’m a broke college kid. A real one. My parents don’t pay my rent, nor my bills. Well, except my phone bill, but I’m pretty sure most 30-year-olds these days still have their parents doing that, so I’m going to allow it. No, I actually have to budget my own money, and as a result, genuinely cannot afford to do a lot of things. While often frustrating, this situation does afford me one priceless thing: a sense of adult independence. And by golly, if that’s all I have, I’ll be happy. Because being independent is fucking cool. And so, as I said, I get you. See, you want to join the club. You like the idea of being one of those badass self-sufficient motherfuckers.

But you’re not willing to forfeit eating sushi twice a day or mindlessly bidding on eBay in order to fill a massive void of self-accomplishment in your life. Well here’s the deal: fuck you. If you have an all-you-can-eat pass to your parents credit card, all the power to you. Fuck, I won’t think less of you. I’ll be jealous of you. And I’ll probably ask you to pay for my dinner sometimes. And you should, because if you have rich parents, you should do that sort of thing. Why? Because I give you street cred because I’m poor and you’re not, but by hanging with me, you shake away any pretentious rich-person vibes that are sometimes unfairly and automatically attributed to you. See? It works for us. However, you don’t get to pretend to be poor. Because it’s bullshit, and I know it, and you know it. So just cut it out. Oh, and by the way – sushi isn’t cool anymore. Especially when you buy it from the refrigerated section at the front of the grocery store right by those nasty submarine sandwiches. Get Pho, or something gluten-free. Everyone’s all about that shit right now. And shit, you need to remember that being broke is only cool because we made it cool: it was us poor people’s way of saving face when having to bail on that road trip you went on that we constantly convince ourselves was probably shitty anyway. So, if you’re sitting on a fat inheritance, why not make that cool instead of trying to co-opt the whole “being broke” thing? I’ve got the perfect idea for you.

Next time you go to the liquor store, buy an extra bottle of expensive wine and then just fuckin’ smash it right there and say something like, “why? Because I fucking can, that’s why.” Sure, I’ll initially hate you for not giving it to me, but in the long haul, you’re going to come across as a doesn’t-give-a-fuck rich piece of shit, and that’s pretty cool in my books. Way cooler than pretending that you can’t afford to grab some McDonalds one day but then making me feel like shit for not forking up forty bones to see fucking Gotye or WULYF or some other crappy band all your yuppie friends like. All I’m saying is, if you’re rich, that’s fine. I’m not going to give you shit about it, as long as you’re honest and sometimes buy me shit. I know you think saying you’re “broke” is cool. That’s because it is. But so is saying the N-word, but unless you’re actually black and/or broke, it just isn’t cool, man. Oh, and you might be thinking, “but in the grand scheme of things, merely living in North America means that you’re richer than most of the world!” And to that, I say: a rich person like you would say something like that. Prick.

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