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A LESSON ABOUT MONEY

My Boss is the best. He really cares about me. He teaches life’s lessons. Like yesterday: “Hi Boss,” I said happily. “My check was lost by accounting.” My Boss didn’t bother looking up from his Variety: “Not my fucking problem.” But I knew what he really meant: this was a test. He was testing me. He was saying, “Lane, money is not the most important thing in life.” How could I be so blind? So, I began my survival. I jumped fences and picked avocados from neighbors’ yards. I stole bouquets of roses outside Pavilions and sold them in Mexican restaurants. I panhandled the homeless, convincing them it was I who was more broke. They usually countered with gibberish, or something weak like “I’m starving.” My roommate, The Douche With No Worries, the guy who lives off a trust fund and actually voted for Bush, had a suggestion:

“Cook me dinner, and I’ll pay you five bucks.” So, I did. And after dinner, he had another suggestion: “Pick me up from the bar tonight, and I’ll pay you ten bucks.” So, I did. And after the bar, he had still another suggestion: “Touch my penis, and I’ll pay you twenty bucks.” So, after some arguing about the semantics of his proposition, I did. The next morning, I had roughly thirty-five dollars to my name. I went down to the grocery store to buy some food, and I ran into a homeless guy: “Spare some change?” I thought of my roommate, and My Boss, and the lessons learned in my twenty-four years. I smiled. “How about you carry my groceries, and I’ll pay you five bucks?”

The homeless guy smiled, then did a casual “H.J.” hand-motion. He turned over, exposing his feet, rotting from gangrene, and a fresh puddle of piss. “I’m homeless. Not a slave.” You can learn something from everyone. And, PAs of Hollywood, if you ever find yourself starving on the Sunset Strip with no money, with bags under your eyes, no friends, no self-esteem, and nothing to live for, at least learn this: there’s a piss-covered homeless dude in the parking lot of Pavilions that has a way happier life than you.

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