In the lifespan of a relationship, there’s a period in its somewhat preliminary development that I refer to as the “stealth shit” period. Its onset occurs shortly after one stops leaving more or less immediately in the morning (save for say, a cup of coffee or a quick snack) and doesn’t end until one is comfortable enough to unload sweaty dumps in their significant other’s toilet without a concern for any ensuing repercussions. Akin to farting in front of one another, dumping openly represents a growth in trust and comfort, yes, but it too admits that neither of you are the perfect and infinitely sexy creatures that you initially let on. As such, the stealth shitting period serves this primary function: to facilitate the necessary biological relief of one’s bowels while simultaneously allowing for extended visitations which allow for prolonged intimacy, multiple sexual encounters, and an increased overall sense of “dating.” It too, unfortunately, comes with its challenges. It is those challenges that I wish to address now.
Timing is obviously most important. There are two schools of thought on the matter. The first is to do it when no one is around, which is just plain obvious. This method, however, has two major flaws. First, if you’re unable to finish before their return, you’re busted, not only for pooping in the house, but for clearly attempting to time it during her absence. In addition, even if you are able to finish, any lingering odors will no doubt be attributed to you, as you were clearly the only one around. This brings me to the second school of thought: during rush hour. Her and the roommates are taking turns in the bathroom in the morning? Her roommate has a few friends over for dinner? These would all be times that fall under this second method, which openly unleashes hell-fury onto the toilet, but does so at such a time when the blame cannot be pinned onto any specific person. This should only be reserved for quick bowel evacuations, as performing without being caught directly in the act is key. Combined with a confident swagger and an inconspicuous social persona, and you’re in the clear.
Distractions are also integral to the stealth dump. If at all possible, showering is the obvious choice. Save for the morning, however, it is important one formulate a legitimate excuse for showering, so working up a small sweat (however risky for the temperamental bowels) may be in order. Once done, simply run the shower, and dump at your leisure. Just be sure to actually get into the shower at some point, or else risk arousing suspicion. It should be noted that in such an instance, the length of the shower should directly negatively correlate with the length of the dump. One point of contention is when to administer the flush. Some purists suggest it be done post-shower, so as to imitate an after-shower urination, but others argue this in fact promotes lingering odor, and thus the flush should be performed immediately after the dump, in hopes that the running shower in combination with a flush will be unnoticeable. Either way, just make sure to remember to actually flush, as this is a surprisingly obvious oversight for many amateur stealth-shitters.
Bowel preparedness need not be overlooked. The bowel movement must be ready for exodus (“prairie dogging,” as they say), or else one runs the risk of taking too long and raising suspicion, or worse yet, forcing the bowel movement to end prematurely. If you’ve ever been forced into a sweaty sexual encounter with an unfinished bowel movement in the launch-pad, you know the potential pitfalls that may arise – none of which are particularly pretty, nor pleasant-smelling, nor comfortable. This leads me to one last, and most risky of options…
The Insta-shit. This tactic should be reserved for the most confident and experienced stealth shitters, and exercised at one’s own risk. It involves brewing a bubbling, near-explosive dump of epic proportions, complete with hot coffee chugging, cigarette smoking and curry consumption. Once eruption is imminent, excuse yourself to use the bathroom, and, here’s where it gets tricky, unload everything in one Atomic bomb drop whilst simultaneously flushing the toilet. The key here is that the sound of the flush will mask any audible noises caused by the release, while the immediate removal of the waste will minimize odor. Good luck with that.
MADATOMS is an alt-comedy network focused on videos, articles and comics. We post daily videos, ranging from breakout virals to auteur driven shorts.