A Guide To Homemade Tatooing

Maybe you want to look like you did time at state pen in order to impress a girl. Perhaps you feel a burning desire to express your hateful, racist beliefs. Or maybe you’re just bored, drunk and feeling self-destructive. There are a million reasons to get a homemade tattoo, so just come up with one and let’s get tattooing! 1. Build your gun. Shit’s about to get a little technical here. Bear with me. If anything, this complicated bit will make you feel less like a total shithead and more like a little scientist or something. Go break apart your old VHS and pull the little motor from it: no, VHS is never going to come back and be retro-trendy, so trash that thought. Now split an old cell-phone charger from your drawer of miscellaneous cables you don’t know how to safely dispose of and get something with a low-wattage. Be sure to rub into your roommate or family members face that you were right in keeping all that junk because it “may be useful someday.” Now throw the rest out. Attach those two and voila, they work together. Then strap them up to a hollowed out pen, sharpen a guitar string and voila, you’ve got yourself your very own tattoo gun. 2. Get drunk. Now that the hard part is over, you need to get drunk. Sure, this thins your blood and you’ll end up doing a worse job, but that’s half the fun!It’s integral you get drunk enough to not question that you’re actually about to tattoo yourself before moving on to the next step. 3. Choose a tattoo. Remember how you always wanted to get that Latin phrase or that weird design that reminds you of your dead relative or whatever? Forget that shit. You’re about to get a crappy looking homemade tattoo, so save getting something lame and sentimental for the tattoo shop – where trust me, they will judge you. Get something badass like a skull or something naked or a seriously offensive word or some obscure and butchered childhood reference like Peppermint Paddy rimming a horse. See why you needed to be shitfaced? 4. Git’r done! Shit, wait. First, you should probably disinfect and sterilize everything. Or not. Depends on how much of a fucking pussy you are. Then plug that shit in and get tattooing. For ink, just use like, whatever ink you can find. If you have a hot art school friend you never have an excuse to talk to, now you do. Call her up and ask for some Indian Ink. When she asks what it’s for, play it off all nonchalant like you always do this sort of badass shit. Invite her over, and then ask her to tattoo you.Get something done on your inner thigh (a good idea, since it’ll look like shit) and maybe she’ll graze your balls or something. 5. Regret it. Don’t actually regret it. It’s the most badass thing you’ve done since telling that turd at the amusement park to go to the back of line, so revel in it. But when you’re rolling up your shorts – to itch, not to show it off, obviously – and someone comments on it, act all fucking casual like, “oh man was I fucked up that night, don’t ask,” as if they’ll never understand the type of wild, who-gives-a-flying-curbstomp life you lead.

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