I just got my first tattoo. While the physical pain was minimal, the psychological pain – due to the terrible awkwardness between the tattooist and myself – was unbearable. Below you’ll find some things I’ve learned you should never do in a tattoo parlor. Incidentally, this list is in chronological order. 1) If you are from Encino, and the tattooist is from East LA, do not excitedly say, “Oh My God, we’re both from LA.” 2) If the tattooist asks you what color you want your tattoo, do not tell him “rainbow” as a joke. He doesn't think it's funny. 3) If the tattooist remarks on how much he loves Cheech & Chong, do not ask him if he is “high as I am?” 4) Do not try to make the tattooist laugh as he inks mere inches from your genitals. 5) Do not ask him where he went to college. 6) Do not try to make the tattooist laugh for a second time, in an attempt to assuage the tension created by your comment about the importance of a college education. Lest you forget, he is still inking mere inches from your genitals.
7) When the tattooist asks you, “How do you like it?” after finishing your tattoo, do not say, “I like it, but something is weird. I guess it’s the fact that I always expected to get my first tattoo in prison.” This is because you may find your tattooist did get his first tattoo in prison. 8) Finally, do not ask your tattooist if he is a Dodgers fan, since he might be an Angels fan. And apparently, this is sufficient grounds for kicking your ass immediately.
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