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5 ONCE GREAT DIRECTORS WHO NOW SUCK

Tim Burton - He can’t even say he’s the guy behind the best Batman films now that The Dark Knight stole his thunder. Any originality Burton developed with Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands was replaced by not only remaking classics (Planet of the Apes, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) but also making them worse. Burton’s now working on his own version of Alice in Wonderland, which seems like a good fit at first, but if he casts his baby mama Helena Bonham Carter as Alice, I’m giving up. Oliver Stone - Natural Born Killers is a seriously fucked up movie – a quality that’s been missing from Stone’s last few films. The most controversial thing about Alexander was casting Angelina Jolie, aka Lips McGee, as Colin Farrell’s mom despite her only being one year older than him. And so much for all the hullabaloo about releasing a biopic about Bush while he’s still in office – W. is just an easily-swallowed generic father and son movie. An Oliver Stone movie without controversy is like watching a David Lynch movie without creepy midgets walking around: boring.

Gus Van Sant - Screw the pretentious Palm D’Or, Van Sant’s Columbine catastrophe Elephant was one of the most offensive films I’ve ever watched which, I guess is a step up from nobody even taking the time to go see his movies (Paranoid Park, Gerry or Last Days). Is this desperately independent director the same dude responsible for the sickly hilarious To Die For? At least he stopped remaking Hitchcock movies, proving Van Sant can learn from his mistakes. Also, I’m pretty sure if you appear on Entourage, it’s a clear sign you’ve jumped the shark. Robert Zemeckis - He won Oscars up the wazoo for Forrest Gump, but he’s more beloved for making the Back to the Future movies (awesome!) and Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (groundbreaking!) and Death Becomes Her (morbid!), which are some of the funnest, most special effectsyish films ever. But now Zemeckis is sticking purely to creepy-humanoid motion-capture movies, like The Polar Express and Beowulf, as well as next year’s A Christmas Carol with Jim Carrey playing four roles. Jim Carrey should rarely play one role in a movie, let alone several.

Quentin Tarantino - Yeah, I know he made Pulp Fiction and that should give him immunity for the rest of his life but it doesn’t. Kill Bill Vol. 2 was a big letdown from Vol. 1 and Death Proof has one amazing car chase scene at the end that wasn’t worth the mind-numbingly slow 100 minutes that preceded it. At least he’s not making movies more often than once every six years. I just hope he stops putting so many shots of feet in all of them. He’s turning into “that guy”. Keep your foot fetishes to yourself, thanks.

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