When the name Rush Limbaugh is uttered, it usually elicits a violent, hate induced fit of vomiting. Now that most of you have cleaned up the vomit from your keyboards, I’ll continue. Although Rush is one of the most outspoken, popular and controversial voices in the media, you don’t hear much about Rush outside of him being a dick on the radio. Also, his personal life has been a string of tumultuous relationships, with his partners citing “incompatibility” and “personal differences” as reasons for divorce. Some may hypothesize that the incompatibility was in their politics but all these people have missed the obvious answer: like almost all Republicans, he’s probably into some fucked up fetishes. 1. 12 year-old Thai Boys – It’s already a given that he’s in the closet And after decades of spewing the evangelical gay-hate agenda, the pent-up confusion and anger he has for himself has warped and twisted into some hardcore man-boy love. And there is no better place on earth to bag a tween boy than the capital of pedophilia: Bangkok.
(Note: I am not suggesting that pedophilia and homosexuality are related. However, I am suggesting pedophilia and organized religion are.) 2. Sadomasochism – Just think of how much leather it takes to make him a pair of ass-less chaps. His Dominatrix wears a Keith Olbermann mask and lectures him on the benefits of socialized healthcare, all while using his taint as an ashtray and getting his dickhole soldered shut. His safe word is “Reaganomics." The previous was all just a metaphor for his desire to see Obama, and subsequently American, fail. Just kidding, he probably really does that. 3. Democrat Sharking – It’s very apparent that Rush loves to humiliate people in public, especially democrats. In Rush’s version of Sharking, he runs up to an unsuspecting Liaberal, puts bible / pro-life literature / Bill O’Reilly book in their hand, takes a photo with them and then posts the picture of his “close personal friend” on his blog: Rush.IheartOxycontin.blogspot.com. Him, Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity circle jerk to the footage. 4. Furry – Rush, as a lover of puns, dresses up like a Fox. Staying true to the “Fox” character, he rattles off unsubstantiated hearsay while fucking anything that is remotely honest.
5. Auditory Rape – Through some sort of conservative/satanic/voodoo sexual ritual, Rush can metaphysically fuck your brain into a pulp with his ghost cock via your ears. The only way to counter it is to recite scripture from Huffington Post, DailyKos, Reddit and The Seminal while donating money to the ACLU or MoveOn.org. Feel free to add any that I have may have missed.
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