1) Planning My Social Calendar Around My Leg Hair Growth:
Every self respecting woman knows that keeping careful measurements of follicle growth only insures enhanced chances of catching a man between your well manicured talons. My leg hair tends to grow most during sex and after I eat cheese. No matter what though, I shave my legs as close to when I leave the house as possible, sparing anyone a glance at a patch of knotted fur I may have missed. Since I can’t stop secretly slamming cheese hoagies though, I’m thinking about getting it all lasered off.
2) Locking My Whites In A Secret Locker While I Ride The Crimson Wave:
I’d rather wear white after Labor Day than during my period. The last thing any dignified woman needs is for the waves of menstrual blood gushing out with the velocity of a geyser to end up on a lilly white piece of clothing. Imagine what Jesus would think. I might even just start locking myself in the aforementioned locker during that time of the month, lest anyone get a whiff of my uncleanness.
3) Intricately Coordinating My Spin Classes With My Hair Washing:
The real horror of being a woman is having to deal with washing your hair. Unequal wages, abortion rights, availability of birth control, that all pales in comparison to trying to schedule hair washing. Everyone knows that you should only shampoo when the moon is in Aquarius, so when am I supposed to fit in hot yoga? Why must women have to choose between love handles and silky hair? That’s the real women’s lib question we should be asking.
4) Being A Slut-Shaming Slut:
I think it’s really important to never let your inner feminist take a nap. I try and stay sharp by reminding the women around me who show off too much skin that they’re not just hurting themselves, they’re hurting all of us. But don’t you dare call me a slut just because I gave a few dozen blow jobs in the student lounge in college. I don’t have to be held back by society’s narrow view of women, evidenced by my J Crew sweater set and SeekingArrangement.com profile.
5) Keeping A Careful Social Media Image:
Because I would rather obsess over the idea of myself than actually work on who I am as a person, I constantly shift my presence on social media. Whether through a surprise new Facebook profile–which I will justify as necessary for my business image–or constantly changing my Instagram bio–because like Madonna, I think it’s important to reinvent myself–I am determined to define myself by the internet. It doesn’t matter if I just put on a face full of makeup just to take a selfie with my dog, you think I live a charmed life with a perfect balance of professional success and reckless fun, so I win.
6) Being A Bad Friend To My Fellow Women:
Female friendship isn’t about women supporting and celebrating one another. It’s 100% a way to act out all of my insecurities. I keep women close, letting them believe we’re besties, but when we’re together I only talk about myself! I also like to practice passive aggression, backhanded compliments, fierce competition, bragging, and being aloof when they question my motives.
7) Riding A Fine Line Between Leading My Boss On And Networking:
There’s a reason why “getting ahead”is both a sexual maneuver and a saying related to success. I’ve yet to go that far for my career, but I’ve begun to enjoy letting men higher up in the world take me out under the guise of business. The fun that ensues is always a surprise! Whether they’re egging me on to see if I can get my fist in my mouth, or talking about which parts of my body that dress I wore last week helped out, it’s just so important to me to put in the work my career deserves.
8) Leading On An Arsenal Of Men:
I know that I am only as good as however many men I can string along at one time. It’s not good enough for me to have a live in boyfriend. I need a few ex boyfriends to be shuffling to get me back at the same time. That guy who works at my local coffee shop can have in on the fun too, maybe even a couple guys from Tinder. My favorite part is using it all as an excuse to tell my girlfriends how pretty all of these guys think I am.
9) Consistently Pretending I Don’t Care:
The most important rule of being a woman is never letting anyone see you care. God forbid you seem emotional, or even as though you might have a heart. I remind myself constantly to push people away, lest too many people get the idea that I have a capacity for affection. If I can’t be downright indifferent in a given situation, I at least try to be coy.
10) Spending One Hour A Night Good Ol’ Fashioned Self-Hating
Whether it’s going through the Instagrams of frenemies, staring at my pores in a magnifying mirror, or counting text messages, I like to keep my fragile psyche on the wild side. I think it’s unhealthy to become too comfortable, that’s when people always get fat and boring. To stay beautiful and exciting I like to keep my flaws in mind, while giving myself a good talking to every night with my cat before bed.
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