You’re a real pussy, you know that?
This is why you need to learn how to text, Mom.
Soccer? We mean football.
Normal reasons, naturally.
Sarah Jessica Parker was at the Target grand opening in the author’s hometown. Seriously.
Bros beware: this is some self-realization shit right here.
Where tribal clothing is totally in.
It’s downhill from 5.
Feeling very, very alone.
What do 86+ year olds do with $20? No one cares.
Hitler reference: check.
On the bright side, you’re probably way better at, like, doing laundry or whatever.
Nothing like a casual dad dick reference to keep your friends on their toes.
Hating life, basically.